我没有看到另外一块
mother: i left two pieces of cake in the cupboard this morning, johnny, and now there is only one piece left. can you explain that?johnny: well, i suppose it was so dark that i didn’t notice the other.
二、Mike:Mum,I want to watch TV.
Mum:There is no electricity tonight.
Mike:Then let's watch TVwith a candie on.
迈克：妈妈，我想看电视。
妈妈：今晚停电了。
迈克：那我们就点着蜡烛看吧。
三、The Fish Net
"Can you tell me what fish net is made, Ann?"
"A lot of little holes tied together with strings." replied the little girl.
"你能告诉我鱼网是什么做的吗，安?" 老师发问道。
"把许多小孔用绳子栓在一起就成了鱼网了。" 小女孩回答道。
四、It was rush hour and I was dashing to a train in New York City's Grand Central Terminal - As I neared the gate, a plump, middle-aged woman sprinted up from behind, lost her footing on the smooth marble floor and slid onto her back. Her momentum carried her close to my shoes. Before I could help her, however, she had scrambled up. Gaining her composure, she winked at me and said, "Do you always have beautiful women failing at your feet?"
Indians ask their new chief whether the winter will be cold or mild. Since the young chief never learned the ways of his ancestors, he tells them to collect firewood, then he goes off and calls the National Weather Service.
二.A is better than God. A is worse than the evil. If you eat A, you will die.
三.一哥们出国住酒店的时候发现有老鼠，但是英文太烂不知道老鼠的英语怎么说，无奈之下打电话给前台说:"Do you know Tom and Jerry ?"
"Yes sir."
"Jerry is here！！
四.A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven. "There must be some mistake," the lawyer argues. "I'm too young to die. I'm only 55." "Fifty-five?" says Saint Peter. "No, according to out calculations, you're 82." "How'd you get that?" the lawyer asks. Answers St. Peter, "We added up your time sheets."
五.The lawyer's son wanted to follow in his father's footsteps, so he went to law school and graduated with honors. Then he went home to join his father's firm.
At the end of his first day at work, he rushed into his father's office and said, "Father, father! In one day I broke the Smith case that you've been working on for so long!"
His father yelled, "You idiot! We've been living on the funding of that case for ten years!"
① Goldfish金鱼
Stan: I won 92 goldfish.
Fred: Where are you going to keep them?
Stan: In the bathroom 。
Fred: But what will you do when you want to take a bath?
Stan: Blindfold（蒙眼睛） them!
How do I get the gum out我怎么把口香糖取出来
Distributing chewing gum to the passengers, the stewardess explained it was to keeptheir ears from popping. When the plane landed, one of the passengers rushed upto her and said, "I'm meeting my wife right away. How do I get the gum outfrom my ears?"
Where Am I 我在哪儿
An Englishman lost his way while he was driving in the countryside. He saw afarmer working in the field nearby, so he went nearer in his car and asked the farmer,"Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?" "Yes, " the farmerlooked at him strangely and said, "you are in your car, sir."
8 个回复
MI_愿予必成
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给大家分享几个简单有趣的英语短笑话：
英语小笑话：
Teacher: which hand you used to write with?
Student: neither, I always use a pencil to write!
老师:你以前是用哪只手写字的?
学生:都不是，我总是用铅笔写!
英语小笑话：
What kind of school do giraffes like to go?
Only the High school!
长颈鹿喜欢去什么样的学校?
只有高中!
英语小笑话：
Why the letter B is sitting so cool?
Because it is in between A and C!
为什么字母B坐着这么凉快?
因为它在A和C之间!
英语小笑话：
Teacher: if you had 12 apples, 10 oranges, 5 pineapples, 15 strawberries, what would you have?
Student: A yummy fruit salad, Ma’am!
英语小笑话：
Little Sam (on phone): My son is having high fever and he won’t be able to come to school today.
Teacher: Who is this?
Little Sam: This is my father speaking!
老师:如果你有12个苹果，10个橘子，5个菠萝，15个草莓，你会有什么?
学生:美味的水果沙拉，女士!
英语小笑话：
Teacher to student: “Make a sentence using the word “I”
Student: “I is..”
Teacher: “No that is not correct, you should say I am”
Student: “Ok. I am the ninth letter in the Alphabet”!
老师对学生说:“用I造句。”
学生:“我是…”
老师:“不对，你应该说我是。”
学生:“好的。我是字母表里的第9个字母。”
英语小笑话：
One day teacher asked Sam that did his father help him with his homework.
Sam simply said that “No, he did it all by himself”!
一天，老师问山姆，他爸爸帮他做作业了？
山姆只是说:“不，是他自己做的!”
英语小笑话：
Mother to Johnny: “how was your exam, is all questions difficult?”
Johnny: “No mom, all the questions were simple, It was the answers which gave me all the trouble”!
妈妈对约翰尼说:“你的考试怎么样，所有的问题都难吗?”
约翰尼:“不，妈妈，所有的问题都很简单，让我烦恼的是答案。”
我没有看到另外一块
mother: i left two pieces of cake in the cupboard this morning, johnny, and now there is only one piece left. can you explain that?johnny: well, i suppose it was so dark that i didn’t notice the other.
妈妈：约翰尼，我今天早上在橱子里放了两块点心。现在就剩下一块了。你能解释一下吗?约翰尼：嗯，我想是因为里面太黑我没看到另外那块。
YourSail
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01 woman without her man is nothing
老师在黑板上写下 woman without her man is nothing，让学生给这句话加标点符号。
首先，男生加完标点后是：
Woman, without her man, is nothing.
女人，如果没了男人，什么也不是。
然后，女生加完标点是：
Woman! Without her, man is nothing.
伟大的女人！没有她，男人什么也不是。
这则笑话也经常被引用为MBA的案例，用以探讨中西方思维差异。从笑话中理解到：即使是在同一个国家，不同的家庭背景也会影响人的思维方式，更何况身于不同的地域和国家，加上家庭的关系，对思维方式的影响力就会显得更大。而思维又是支配行为的初始动力。因此我们不能将自己困在固有的圈子里，应该具备一些全球化的视角，这样看待问题也会更加的完善。
02 How were people born?
A child asked his father, "How were people born?"
So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on."
The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now."
The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!"
His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
一个孩子问他的父亲：“人是怎么出生的？”
于是他的父亲说：“亚当和夏娃生了孩子，然后他们的孩子变成了大人，生了孩子，诸如此类。”
然后，孩子去找他的母亲，问她同样的问题，她告诉他，“我们是猴子，然后我们进化成现在的样子。”
孩子跑回父亲身边说：“你骗了我！”
他的父亲回答说：“不，你妈妈说的是她那一方的家庭。”
这则笑话体现美国的文化，不同于中国女娲造人的传说，他们觉得是上帝创造了人类：
03 How much do you love me?
Wife:How much do you love me?
Husband :I love you so much, I can't measure.
Wife :No,just tell me.
Husband :Okay,I'm like a cell phone and you are my SIM card, I'm nothing without you...
Wife :Wow! That's so romantic.
Husband (saying to himself ):Thank God she doesn't know, this is a chinese phone, with four SIM cards!
妻子：你有多爱我？
丈夫：我太爱你了，我无法衡量。
妻子：不，告诉我就行了。
丈夫：好吧，我就像一部手机，你是我的SIM卡，没有你我什么都不是.。
妻子：哇！太浪漫了。
丈夫(自言自语)：谢天谢地，她不知道，这是一部中国手机，有四张SIM卡！
我想说，其实中国手机一般只有2个SIM卡槽…………
DIU我要练肌肉
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How are you? How old are you? 怎么是你？怎么老是你？
You ask me, me ask who? 你问我，我问谁？
We two who and who? 咱俩谁跟谁？
看过这一套经典的Chinglish，小伙伴们是不是都快笑翻了？
留学生初到国外，总是或多或少会把“Chinglish”带出国门。那些不地道的破烂英语差点没让老外们崩溃。同学们都闹出过怎样的笑话?
二、Mike:Mum,I want to watch TV.
Mum:There is no electricity tonight.
Mike:Then let's watch TVwith a candie on.
迈克：妈妈，我想看电视。
妈妈：今晚停电了。
迈克：那我们就点着蜡烛看吧。
三、The Fish Net
"Can you tell me what fish net is made, Ann?"
"A lot of little holes tied together with strings." replied the little girl.
"你能告诉我鱼网是什么做的吗，安?" 老师发问道。
"把许多小孔用绳子栓在一起就成了鱼网了。" 小女孩回答道。
四、It was rush hour and I was dashing to a train in New York City's Grand Central Terminal - As I neared the gate, a plump, middle-aged woman sprinted up from behind, lost her footing on the smooth marble floor and slid onto her back. Her momentum carried her close to my shoes. Before I could help her, however, she had scrambled up. Gaining her composure, she winked at me and said, "Do you always have beautiful women failing at your feet?"
上下班高峰期，我匆匆奔向纽约豪华中心站去赶一趟火车。接近门口，一位肥胖的中年妇女从后面冲过来，没想到在平滑的大理石地面上失了脚，仰面滑倒了。她的惯性使她接近了我的脚。我正准备扶她，她却自己爬了起来。她镇定了一下，对我挤了一下眉，说道：“总是有漂亮女人拜倒在你脚下吗?”
zzLzsj
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年轻的印地安酋长遇到了麻烦，因为他没有学会祖先那套预测天气的本领，他该怎么办呢？这是一个无能酋长遇到无能气象局的故事……
Indians ask their new chief whether the winter will be cold or mild. Since the young chief never learned the ways of his ancestors, he tells them to collect firewood, then he goes off and calls the National Weather Service.
印地安人问他们的新酋长，这个冬天是冷还是温暖。这位年轻的酋长从没学过祖先那些本领，他只好吩咐他们去捡木柴，然后自己走到一边去给国家气象局打电话。
"Will the winter be bad?" he asks.
“今年冬天会不会很冷？”他问.
"Looks like it," is the answer.
“看上去是这样的。”他得到这样的回答。
So the chief tells his people to gather more firewood. A week later, he calls again.
于是酋长要求大家收集更多的木柴。一个星期后，他又打电话给国家气象局。
"Are you positive the winter will be very cold?"
“你确信今年冬天会很冷？”
"Absolutely."
“毫无疑问。”
The chief tells his people to gather even more firewood, then calls the Weather Service again: "Are you sure?"
酋长随即要求族人捡更多的木柴，然后再次给国家气象局打电话：“你肯定吗？”
"I'm telling you, it's going to be the coldest winter on record."
“我告诉你，那将是有史以来最寒冷的冬天。”
"How do you know?"
“你怎么知道？”
"Because the Indians are gathering firewood like crazy!"
“因为印第安人正发疯似地捡木柴！”
Captain船长
A navy captain is alerted by his First Mate that there is a pirate ship coming towards his position. He asks a sailor to get him his red shirt.
The captain was asked, “Why do you need a red shirt?”
The Captain replies, “So that when I bleed, you guys don’t notice and aren’s discouraged.” They fight off the pirates eventually.
The very next day, the Captain is alerted that 50 pirate ships are coming towards their boat. He yells, “Get me my brown pants!”
船长
一名海军船长从他的大副那里得到警报，说有一艘海盗船正朝他的位置驶来。他让一个水手把他的红衬衫给他。
有人问队长:“你为什么需要一件红衬衫?”
船长回答说:“这样当我流血的时候，你们就不会注意到，也不会感到气馁。“他们最终击退了海盗。
就在第二天，船长收到警报，有50艘海盗船正朝他们的船驶来。他大叫:“把我的棕色裤子拿来!”
南明有鳽
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一个澳大利亚人去纽约，结果过马路的时候没有注意看，差点撞上一个开黄色出租车的美国司机。
美国司机愤怒地将头探出窗口，
“Are you coming here to die?”
澳大利亚人听到乡音，十分喜出望外，高兴地说，
是的，你们都知道。
“No, I came here yesterday!“
注：澳大利亚口音中today很像（to die)
二.A is better than God. A is worse than the evil. If you eat A, you will die.
三.一哥们出国住酒店的时候发现有老鼠，但是英文太烂不知道老鼠的英语怎么说，无奈之下打电话给前台说:"Do you know Tom and Jerry ?"
"Yes sir."
"Jerry is here！！
四.A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven. "There must be some mistake," the lawyer argues. "I'm too young to die. I'm only 55." "Fifty-five?" says Saint Peter. "No, according to out calculations, you're 82." "How'd you get that?" the lawyer asks. Answers St. Peter, "We added up your time sheets."
一个律师死了，到了天堂，问上帝：“你肯定弄错了，我才55岁，你怎么就把我收了？” 上帝说：“55岁？可是根据你在工作时间的记录，你已经82岁了。”（美国律师按小时收费，可收费小时数就是billable hours，这些可收费小时数记录在工作时间表time sheet上面。这个笑话说的意思是，律师虚报自己的工作时间，过度向客户收费，才55岁的律师，工作的时间加起来已经到82岁了。）
五.The lawyer's son wanted to follow in his father's footsteps, so he went to law school and graduated with honors. Then he went home to join his father's firm.
At the end of his first day at work, he rushed into his father's office and said, "Father, father! In one day I broke the Smith case that you've been working on for so long!"
His father yelled, "You idiot! We've been living on the funding of that case for ten years!"
律师的儿子打算沿着父亲的人生道路成为一个律师，于是读了法学院，毕业之后，到了父亲的律所工作。
在上班第一天结束的时候，儿子冲到父亲办公室说：“爸爸，我在一天之内就把你一直没解决的史密斯的案件完成了！”
父亲说：“愚蠢之极！我们十年来都靠那一个案子创收！”
黑翼白墨
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And I ate Beijing Duck in Qiangdao”
在北京和青岛都吃掉了“北京鸭”
英语小笑话：
Teacher: which hand you used to write with?
Student: neither, I always use a pencil to write!
英语小笑话：
What kind of school do giraffes like to go?
Only the High school!
英语小笑话：
Why the letter B is sitting so cool?
Because it is in between A and C!
英语小笑话：
Teacher: if you had 12 apples, 10 oranges, 5 pineapples, 15 strawberries, what would you have?
Student: A yummy fruit salad, Ma’am!
英语小笑话：
Little Sam (on phone): My son is having high fever and he won’t be able to come to school today.
Teacher: Who is this?
Little Sam: This is my father speaking!
英语小笑话：
Teacher to student: “Make a sentence using the word “I”
Student: “I is..”
Teacher: “No that is not correct, you should say I am”
Student: “Ok. I am the ninth letter in the Alphabet”!
英语小笑话：
One day teacher asked Sam that did his father help him with his homework.
Sam simply said that “No, he did it all by himself”!
英语小笑话：
Mother to Johnny: “how was your exam, is all questions difficult?”
Johnny: “No mom, all the questions were simple, It was the answers which gave me all the trouble”!
笑而不语出惊人言可畏
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① Goldfish金鱼
Stan: I won 92 goldfish.
Fred: Where are you going to keep them?
Stan: In the bathroom 。
Fred: But what will you do when you want to take a bath?
Stan: Blindfold（蒙眼睛） them!
斯丹：我赢了 92 条金鱼。
弗雷德：你想在哪儿养它们？
斯丹：浴室。
弗雷德：但是你想洗澡时怎么办？
斯丹：蒙住它们的眼睛！
How do I get the gum out我怎么把口香糖取出来
Distributing chewing gum to the passengers, the stewardess explained it was to keeptheir ears from popping. When the plane landed, one of the passengers rushed upto her and said, "I'm meeting my wife right away. How do I get the gum outfrom my ears?"
当空中小姐给乘客们发口香糖的时候，她解释说口香糖有助于他们防止耳鸣。飞机着陆后，一位乘客跑到这位空中小姐面前，说道：“ 我马上就要见到我妻子了。我怎么才能把口香糖从耳朵里面取出来呢？”
Where Am I 我在哪儿
An Englishman lost his way while he was driving in the countryside. He saw afarmer working in the field nearby, so he went nearer in his car and asked the farmer,"Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?" "Yes, " the farmerlooked at him strangely and said, "you are in your car, sir."
一个英国人在乡下开车时迷了路，他看见一个农民正在附近的地里干活。于是他就把车开过去问那位农民：“劳驾，您能告诉我我现在这是在哪儿吗？” “可以。”农夫奇怪地看了看他，然后说道：“你现在在你的车子里，先生。”
Ranpeki
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学了这么多年英语，在考试或者和外国友人交流过程中，闹出的笑话真不是一星半点啊~
下面请看网友给出的高票回答：
今年12月四级作文题目: the challenge of starting acareer after graduation
有人把career (职业生涯)生生看成cancer (癌症)，作文全程写毕业之后如何抗癌！
阅卷老师很感动，然后给了0分。
英译汉，忘了“葬礼”怎么翻译，便写成了 death party。
这大概是仇人的葬礼吧，葬礼是funeral啊！
“移动支付”写成moving pay，写完还沾沾喜喜，觉得自己思路特厉害。
嗯，还好没写成10086pay ，移动支付是Mobile Payment
刚出国，点餐时忘记了薯条怎么说，于是说，potato，like finger. 然后店员居然还听懂了，微笑着做了个OK！
薯条这个词，英国和美国叫法不同。美国是fries，英国是chips. 但“potato，like finger”是在哪国都不对的。
第一次去国外，不知道饮用水怎么说，情急之下冒出一句“white water”老外递来了一杯牛奶。想必外国人也是很心累的，终于想到了白色的像水一样的东西是啥。
瓶装水要说bottled water. bottled，就是放在瓶子里的，记住了咩？
刚出国的时候去体育馆打羽毛球，不会说羽毛球，就说， I want a ball can fly, like a bird, please ! 工作人员一脸委屈地跟我说了一堆，同行的朋友给我翻译说：她不负责抓鸟。
羽毛球是badminton，不要再让工作人员抓鸟啦啊喂！
傅园慧在巴西时想说音乐喷泉，于是傅爷就说了一句，“Music biu biu biu”
是music fountain啦，喷泉是fountain，傅爷！
我同学第一次来英国，她妈妈给她带了个金华火腿，被狗狗闻出来了。然后officer就要她解释用报纸包起来的东西是什么，我那同学说"leg"...然后officer被吓到了，问了句"Pardon??!" 然后我朋友在腿上比划了半天，leg啊！leg！就是leg啊！…
同学，你只顾说leg了，那fire怎么办？火腿是ham啊！ham！就是ham啊！
买蚊香，不知道怎么说，直接对着店员掏出打火机，然后一顿狂点，嘴里念着：like this，嗡嗡嗡，dead...
夏日出行必备，一定要记住了：mosquito-repellent incense！
去吃饭问服务员餐巾纸，于是说要"paper" ，于是人家给我拿来了张白纸，还贴心地问: Do you need a pen? 我收下了白纸，尴尬而微笑地说，No, thank you.然后去厕所洗手了....
在中文中同样都可以说是“纸”，但在英文中餐巾纸是"tissue"，不是paper！